Embarking on a path of sexual abstinence might seem like a solitary voyage, but I've come to realize that it's been the most gratifying way to find my tribe and to honor my self-worth during this waiting period.
As if dating hasn’t already been increasingly difficult to navigate, uttering that you’re “waiting” can make the dating pool exceptionally smaller as a 33-year-old abstaining woman like myself. Available bachelors who are on the same page, or at least willing to honor my values of perceiving sex as a sacred exchange between a husband and wife, can be the equivalent of finding a needle in a haystack.
I get it—we have needs. Sexual desire and an innate appreciation for physical touch is a complex interplay of psychological, physiological and hormonal factors. Nevertheless, this confluence of emotions that often fast-track to casual sex can leave you bitter and broken if the supposed relationship goes south. Rather than take my chances, I would prefer to wait for a tighter bond and a formal commitment.
Now, I’m not insinuating that abstinence leaves me immune to heartbreak because I’ve been there. It’d be naive for me to assert that love isn’t one of the riskiest acts to bet on, regardless of your decision to choose an abstinent lifestyle or not. Yet, I firmly believe building a solid foundation of self-control, respect and patience for my partner is what will sustain my marriage despite the inevitable ups and downs with my future husband.
Finding My Tribe
Perhaps the hardest part about abstaining as a middle-aged adult is feeling like you’re a lone ranger on the journey. It wasn’t until last year, when I discoveredThe Sexless Tribe (TST), that I learned I didn’t have to be so isolated in my pursuit of abstinence.The social media platform was created to provide a safe space for weekly conversations and like-minded women and men to support each other in their abstaining season. Prior to launching the platform in 2020, the outspoken founder of the app, Shakia Seabrook, explained that the platform was to “make abstinence visible” amid the prevalence of hookup culture. Though fairly nascent, the platform has amassed nearly 25,000 followers on Instagram. Engagement from users eventually led Brooks to curate “The Meet Up Experience”—a weekend-long occasion intended for abstinent Christians from all over the world.I had the pleasure of attending my first meet-up in Atlanta this summer in August. The Friday kick-off worship was a karaoke night, which set the tone for the entire weekend. Saturday’s main event was nothing short of a righteous turn-up that mimicked an HBCU homecoming. While the energy the entire weekend was palpable, the vulnerable testimonies I got to hear from people were the highlights. I felt like I had finally found people with similar stories to mine to confide in.
Debunking the Taboo of Celibacy
Celibacy and abstinence are both practices that involve refraining from sexual activity, but they have distinct meanings and can sometimes be misconstrued. Celibacy typically refers to a lifelong commitment to abstain from sexual activity, often for religious or spiritual reasons. Depending on the person, it can be a temporary or permanent choice. Sexual abstinence, on the other hand, is a temporary abstain from sexual activity, often for specific reasons, such as waiting until marriage. Practicing abstinence can, too, be rooted in spiritual values.In recent years, celebrities such as Tamera Mowry-Housley and Meagan Good have publicly proclaimed celibacy until marriage, while R&B singer Ciara and her current husband Russell Wilson unveiled they were abstinent until they tied the knot. The rationale for choosing abstinence isn’t always related to spiritual reasons. For many, other motivations include mental health, healing from emotional trauma caused by a previous relationship, or simply deciding to focus on other aspects of life. On TikTok, intentional celibacy is gaining popularity. The #celibacy hashtag, which garnered over 200 million views, shows users embracing celibacy on the platform and shares how it has positively impacted their concentration, mental well-being and vitality. Notably, in January, it was reported that Google searches related to celibacy experienced a significant surge, witha 90% increase compared to previous months
Centering My Faith
One thing that has kept me unwavering in my faith to walk this abstinence journey is my reverence for honoring a beautiful interaction that God created. The scripture of treating your body as a temple in 1 Corinthians 3:16–17 has not been something I’ve ever taken for granted. Abstinence does not mean that I am immune to sexual urges. There have been moments of weakness, broken boundaries and blind spots that have triggered immense temptation. I have no doubt there will continue to be. However, knowing that my body is a magnificent gift from God reinforces that physical access shouldn’t be granted to anyone to temporarily satiate my libido without commitment.I understand that my lifestyle is not for everyone—and I fully respect people who choose differently. This is what works for me. The decision is not about denying pleasure or living in fear of sin; rather, it’s a conscious choice to honor God, respect His design for intimacy, and build meaningful relationships once that time comes. It’s a journey of faith, self-discovery and allegiance to the principles that guide my life.
As if dating hasn’t already been increasingly difficult to navigate, uttering that you’re “waiting” can make the dating pool exceptionally smaller as a 33-year-old abstaining woman like myself. Available bachelors who are on the same page, or at least willing to honor my values of perceiving sex as a sacred exchange between a husband and wife, can be the equivalent of finding a needle in a haystack. I get it—we have needs. Sexual desire and an innate appreciation for physical touch is a complex interplay of psychological, physiological and hormonal factors. Nevertheless, this confluence of emotions that often fast-track to casual sex can leave you bitter and broken if the supposed relationship goes south. Rather than take my chances, I would prefer to wait for a tighter bond and a formal commitment. Now, I’m not insinuating that abstinence leaves me immune to heartbreak because I’ve been there. It’d be naive for me to assert that love isn’t one of the riskiest acts to bet on, regardless of your decision to choose an abstinent lifestyle or not. Yet, I firmly believe building a solid foundation of self-control, respect and patience for my partner is what will sustain my marriage despite the inevitable ups and downs with my future husband.
Finding My Tribe
Perhaps the hardest part about abstaining as a middle-aged adult is feeling like you’re a lone ranger on the journey. It wasn’t until last year, when I discoveredThe Sexless Tribe (TST), that I learned I didn’t have to be so isolated in my pursuit of abstinence.The social media platform was created to provide a safe space for weekly conversations and like-minded women and men to support each other in their abstaining season. Prior to launching the platform in 2020, the outspoken founder of the app, Shakia Seabrook, explained that the platform was to “make abstinence visible” amid the prevalence of hookup culture. Though fairly nascent, the platform has amassed nearly 25,000 followers on Instagram. Engagement from users eventually led Brooks to curate “The Meet Up Experience”—a weekend-long occasion intended for abstinent Christians from all over the world.I had the pleasure of attending my first meet-up in Atlanta this summer in August. The Friday kick-off worship was a karaoke night, which set the tone for the entire weekend. Saturday’s main event was nothing short of a righteous turn-up that mimicked an HBCU homecoming. While the energy the entire weekend was palpable, the vulnerable testimonies I got to hear from people were the highlights. I felt like I had finally found people with similar stories to mine to confide in.
Debunking the Taboo of Celibacy
Celibacy and abstinence are both practices that involve refraining from sexual activity, but they have distinct meanings and can sometimes be misconstrued. Celibacy typically refers to a lifelong commitment to abstain from sexual activity, often for religious or spiritual reasons. Depending on the person, it can be a temporary or permanent choice. Sexual abstinence, on the other hand, is a temporary abstain from sexual activity, often for specific reasons, such as waiting until marriage. Practicing abstinence can, too, be rooted in spiritual values.In recent years, celebrities such as Tamera Mowry-Housley and Meagan Good have publicly proclaimed celibacy until marriage, while R&B singer Ciara and her current husband Russell Wilson unveiled they were abstinent until they tied the knot. The rationale for choosing abstinence isn’t always related to spiritual reasons. For many, other motivations include mental health, healing from emotional trauma caused by a previous relationship, or simply deciding to focus on other aspects of life. On TikTok, intentional celibacy is gaining popularity. The #celibacy hashtag, which garnered over 200 million views, shows users embracing celibacy on the platform and shares how it has positively impacted their concentration, mental well-being and vitality. Notably, in January, it was reported that Google searches related to celibacy experienced a significant surge, witha 90% increase compared to previous months.
Centering My Faith
One thing that has kept me unwavering in my faith to walk this abstinence journey is my reverence for honoring a beautiful interaction that God created. The scripture of treating your body as a temple in 1 Corinthians 3:16–17 has not been something I’ve ever taken for granted. Abstinence does not mean that I am immune to sexual urges. There have been moments of weakness, broken boundaries and blind spots that have triggered immense temptation. I have no doubt there will continue to be. However, knowing that my body is a magnificent gift from God reinforces that physical access shouldn’t be granted to anyone to temporarily satiate my libido without commitment.I understand that my lifestyle is not for everyone—and I fully respect people who choose differently. This is what works for me. The decision is not about denying pleasure or living in fear of sin; rather, it’s a conscious choice to honor God, respect His design for intimacy, and build meaningful relationships once that time comes. It’s a journey of faith, self-discovery and allegiance to the principles that guide my life.
